Thursday, April 24, 2014

You Did What, to Your What?

Inevitably, when a group of women gather (whether they know each other or not) and libations are consumed, the talk turns to personal things like sex and vagina grooming. That's right, vagina grooming. Women love to compare their personal hygiene techniques like guys love to talk sports. And believe it or not grooming techniques vary widely.

I'm a retro girl, preferring a plain old razor to shave my legs and pits (and big toes if I'm being honest) to more radical methods of hair removal such as waxing and lasering.  I have lots of friends that wax unwanted hair, but dang, that hurts. Plus, that requires an appointment somewhere and that requires planning and more effort than I have to give.

Beyond waxing is the laser. I have one friend who has lasered her legs, her pits, and her prives. She likes to say she's bald from the eyebrows down. I know the laser hurts like a bitch because she told me so and she takes pain meds to endure it. My Lady Razor with triple blade action may be old fashioned, but I don't have to take pain meds to use it, thank you very much.

Years ago, like nearly twenty, my cousin invested in an Epilady. Remember those? It was basically a vibrator with a torture device attached to it that when passed over your legs would yank the hair out by the root. Man, did that thing work! It removed your hair plus your epidermis! What a bonus! As long as you didn't mind wearing bandages for two weeks or until you needed to use the Epiday again, it was a great hair/skin removal system. If you're interested, you can still get one at Target. Maybe they've improved.

The tending of the "lady garden" is always hotly debated. First, how much grooming should you do? All the way with a Brazillian? A partial, like a sideways mustache? Or maybe something more esoteric, like a happy face or dove of peace?

Second, how should you groom "down there" if you do intend to groom "down there"? I know a lot of people that wax their prives, but having heard them describe it I can't understand it. You're naked from the waist down? They put hot wax practically in your vag? Then rip all the hair off that most sensitive of areas? Oh, then they make you put your legs over your head so they can wax your back-vagina and ass crack? Say what?! No thank you! I'm not letting some stranger wade around in the lady swamp with hot wax and paper strips of death. Forget it.

Ditto on lasering "down there". Lasers are for blowing up planets and light shows at concerts, not vagina clean-up.

My personal preference would be to go au naturel down under.  But due to peer pressure and the fear my husband will think he married a wookie, I get rid of just enough to keep me from having hair shorts.  I mean, God put hair there for a reason, to keep out gnats and stuff so I'm just following God's plan.

I think all this painful hair removal is a form  of female self-loathing. Why else would you do such terrible things to your body? Vaginas unite! Give up your masochistic ways and join us sensible, lazy women who keep grooming in perspective. Let some hair grow where God put it! Except on your chest. You gotta get rid of that crap.

Can you tell which of these itmes is an anal probe and which is an Epilady? Well, they both hurt like hell.

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